Mary Magdelene - Journal Entry, Friday

(I wrote this for an Easter reflective event. I was asked for something from the point-of-view of one of Jesus' friends at the foot of the cross. I chose Mary)

Men have always wanted too much from me, and I’ve always been too weak to refuse them.

Mostly they just want my body. "Mary" they say in those wheedling, boozy voices, "give us a kiss sweetheart!..." But of course a kiss is never enough…

I always feared – and longed for - men.

And then I met Jesus. I’ve never met another man who looked at me – I don’t mean he looked me up and down, I mean he looked at my soul. I don’t know how to explain this, but I knew he accepted me, that first moment we met – he looked into my eyes, but not for anything he could get from me. Because I can’t do anything for him, he’s not needy like all the others. He doesn’t judge me like all the others. He doesn’t flirt with me or use me…

He saved me, Jesus did. Oh I don’t mean in a religious way, though of course he did that, too. But he really saved me, from a mob of jealous men who wanted to stone me for doing what they all secretly wanted. They never punish the man, always the woman gets it. But he stopped them. And it wasn’t by force, it was just his words. His words are so gentle, but they’re more powerful than swords. He saved me.

And I love him. I really love him - not like a husband or lover or brother – but I love him. I know he loves me – his eyes tell me so. He’s the only person apart from my mum who has ever really loved me, and not just wanted me.

All my life I’ve been afraid that I could never love, that no-one could love me. And at last I found love from Jesus. And now they’re taking him away, and I don’t know what they’re going to do with him, but I’m so afraid.

I’ve been afraid to love, and now I’m afraid that I’m going to lose the only love I’ve ever found.

Jesus, I’ve given you my heart – don’t leave me like this, please!

Oh God, why are you letting this happen? Why are you forsaking me!